Where to look for love BEFORE Valentine’s Day

Many single people wait until February before they start looking for a date. And, of course, because they’re in such a desperate, crabby, why-doesn’t-anyone-love-me mood, they are unsuccessful in getting a date and instead binge on a bag full of chocolate. Not that Lady Chatterley has ever been one of these people.

So, how are you going to avoid this predicament? Start looking early!

Places to find love

Forget bars! If you want to find someone intelligent, classy, and who might share the same interests as you, try these alternative places.

Book clubs: Looking for nerd love? All you have to do is an internet search for “book clubs” in your local area. Barnes and Nobles has groups. For those in Portland, the book mecca of Powell’s Books has three different locations in the Portland area and their calendar is packed with authors, events and book groups. And if you are a guy and really want to go someplace filled with women, check out the Cheeky Pages romance book group. (Though they also have mystery, science fiction and other genres.)

http://www.powells.com/calendar.html

Romance Writers of America: There are over 30 local chapters. The Portland chapter, Rose City Romance Writers has a membership of over 100 people, mostly women. Those are pretty good odds for the guys. At least for guys who enjoy supporting romance writing.

Dancing: Women love men who can dance and what better place to go than someplace that teaches dance? And for the men, there are almost always more women at places that teach dance or host open dance so you are in high demand.

For a complete list of dance events going on in Portland go to Portland Dancing.

http://www.portlanddancing.com/

Meet Up: This group is a way to connect and meet other people with similar interests. For example, on the Meet Up website, there are categories such as arts and entertainment, sports and recreation, heath and support as well as many others. In Portland, there are tarot card groups, ASL practice groups, outdoors groups and others. To find people with similar interests in your city, check it out.

http://www.meetup.com/cities/us/or/portland/

Outdoors Clubs: If you enjoy the outdoors, organizations such as the Trails Club of Oregon, or Mazamas a Portland hiking, rock climbing, skiing club might be right for you. There also is the Willamette Sailing Club, and Bergreunde Mountain Friends, an outdoor, sports and social club.

http://www.trailsclub.org/

http://www.mazamas.org/

http://www.willamettesailingclub.com/

http://www.bergfreunde.org/ClubPortal/ClubStatic.cfm?clubID=513&pubmenuoptID=4900

Singles Clubs: Events and Adventures is a singles club for people in Oregon and SW Washington.

http://www.eventsandadventuresportland.com/

LoveTribe: A different way to connect with people: There is an organization called LoveTribe, all about bringing people together and helping them connect in nontraditional ways to create a feeling of community with parties like snuggle parties and game nights. Their events are edgy, not a dating service, and certainly not right for all people, but something different to try. LoveTribe started in Portland and has branched out to many other cities.

http://www.lovetribe.org/lovetribe/public/pages/home.cfm?CFID=24378371&CFTOKEN=34769637

Online dating: Let say you don’t read books, can’t dance, don’t like the outdoors, and have no hobbies, so none of those social clubs seem right to you. When you have tried everything else, or you don’t have any time (or money) to attend a social club, there is always the internet. Craigslist is free and always has local personal ads. I know two different middle school teachers who met their husbands through online personal ads, one with Eharmony and the other with Match.com. And neither woman is afraid to tell people that’s how she met her husband. Craigslist and Okcupid are free. As a result, there is also a higher rate of unemployed people without cars and cell phones. On the plus side, Okcupid is said to cater to a younger, nerdier crowd. Plenty of Fish and Christian Singles are other dating sites. And there are many more out there.

One in three high school students have been in an abusive relationship

According to the ACADV (Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence), one out of three high school students have been in, or will be in, an abusive relationship. This number seems so high it is difficult to believe. Yet the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence reports statistics that are just as shocking: In Oregon, one in ten women experience intimate partner violence. The highest rate of intimate partner violence occurs in women between the ages of 21-24.

Why?

Possible reasons ACADV suggests so many young women are involved in abusive relationships might be because women see other examples of violence and abuse in relationships and think it is normal, consider their boyfriend’s jealousy and anger is romantic, they internalize their problems and blame themselves, feel they have to solve their problems themselves, and are afraid to ask for help. Overall, teenagers are inexperienced in relationships, are confused about what romance means, and succumb to peer pressure more than an adult might. Because youths desire independence from their parents, and are less likely to confide in them and ask for help, many parents aren’t aware of the situations their children may be in.

Dating Bill of Rights

I have a right to: 
Ask for a date

Refuse a date

Suggest activities

Refuse any activities, even if my date is excited about them

Have my own feelings and be able to express them

Say, "I think my friend is wrong and his actions are inappropriate"

Tell someone not to interrupt me

Have my limits and values respected

Tell my partner when I need affection

Refuse affection

Be heard

Refuse to lend money

Refuse sex any time, for any reason

Have friends and space aside from my partner

I have the responsibility to:

Determine my limits and values

Respect the limits of others

Communicate clearly and honestly

Not violate the limits of others

Ask for help when I need it

Be considerate

Check my actions and decisions to determine whether they are good or bad for me

Set high goals for myself

Provided by the Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc.

Date Rape Prevention

Date Rape Prevention

According to ACADV (Alabama Coalition Against Domestic Violence) 38 percent of date rape victims are girls between the ages of 14 to 17. Their website reports, “More than half [the] young women raped (68 percent) knew their rapist either as a boyfriend, friend or casual acquaintance.”

It is difficult to ignore the magnitude of these statistics. And yet, women and young women in our culture are apt to say, “it won’t happen to me” and parents say, “it won’t happen to my child.” This mentality creates a bubble of ignorance and denial about these topics.

One proactive approach to prevention is having a plan for dating safety, whether for yourself or for your children. The Domestic Violence Advocacy Program of Family Resources, Inc. offers these preventative measures so that young women are not put in a situation which will make them feel unsafe.

Dating Safety

• Consider double-dating the first few times you go out with a new person.
• Before leaving on a date, know the exact plans for the evening and make sure a parent or friend knows these plans and what time to expect you home. Let your date know that you are expected to call or tell that person when you get in.
• Be aware of your decreased ability to react under the influence of alcohol or drugs.
• If you leave a party with someone you do not know well, make sure you tell another person you are leaving and with whom. Ask a friend to call and make sure you arrived home safely.
• Assert yourself when necessary. Be firm and straightforward in your relationships.
• Trust your instincts. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, try to be calm and think of a way to remove yourself from the situation.

Other tips anonymous women have provided when dating someone for the first time:

• Meet somewhere well-lit in public. Having dinner at a restaurant with other people around is safer than going someplace alone with him like his house or even hiking in the woods in the evening.
• Meet somewhere familiar. Perhaps it is a coffee shop that you frequent where the wait staff knows you by face or name.
• Select a location with multiple exits.
• Never get in a car with someone you don't know.
• Don't leave your drink unattended at a party, bar or restaurant.

Resources, blogs and websites for rape prevention, therapy and statistics:
Please thank author Jim C. Hines for providing the majority of these links. This is a list in progress. Feel free to make suggestions of other websites.

• Bad Guys Among us Difficult to Identify - examining stereotypes about abusers and batterers. Published 7/8/04.
• Reprinted in Voice Male. Winter, 2005.
• Sex Crimes Can’t be Blamed on Victims - about a Orange County gang rape trial. Published 7/27/04.
• Sexual Assault More Common Earlier in Semester. Published 8/30/04.
• Be Sure - examining consent and a statement by Kobe Bryant. Published 9/14/04.
• False Reports. Published 10/4/04.
• Why Doesn’t She Leave? Published 11/4/04.
• MSU Needs to Reexamine Attitudes Toward Sex. Published 12/6/04.
• End to Rape Lies Within Prevention, not Self-Defense. Published 1/24/05.
• State Sex Offender Database Can Be Useful. Published 2/15/05.

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Blog posts - Use the rape tag to find related posts.

• Thoughts on Men and Rape. The huge problems with treating rape as a “women’s issue.” 4/21/08.
• Sleeping Beauties. Because asleep does not equal consent, dammit! 4/1/09.
• Writing About Rape. Because so many published authors write about rape, and do it so badly.  4/7/09.
• Significant Others. How rape affects both the survivor and those around her/him, and what I’ve learned from being in the S.O. role.  4/22/09.
• Victim Blaming. Responding to an incident in which the Stamford Marriott blamed a rape victim for her own attack, claiming she “failed to exercise due care for her own safety and the safety of her children and proper use of her senses and facilities.”  8/14/09.
• Rape in Fandom. Discussing rape at conventions and other SF/F circles, and the need to speak out. 2/26/10.
• Steubenville, Ohio rape December 2012 http://www.nytimes.com/2012/12/17/sports/high-school-football-rape-case-unfolds-online-and-divides-steubenville-ohio.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0
• New Delhi rape exposes the peril of being a woman in. India rape on the rise: http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/21/world/asia/india-rape-danger/index.html  1/3/13

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Other Resources:

• If You’ve Been Raped - A 12-page brochure from the DC Rape Crisis Center.  The resources are local, but there’s some pretty good information in there about your safety, your reactions, and the choice whether to press charges.
• Sexual Victimization of College Women - A study from the U.S. Dept. of Justice.  I referred to this one a lot when working at Michigan State.
• The Rape of Mr. Smith - Highlighting some of the ways rape trials often turn into attacks on the victim.
• Men Can Stop Rape - Men working to end sexual violence.
• If Someone  You Love was Raped - Advice from RAINN on how to help.
• Rape Brochures - Seven pamphlets I put together while working for The Listening Ear in East Lansing, talking about myths & facts, teaching children about rape, and more.
• Dating Bill of Right  http://www.inspire-hope.org/the-teens-dating-bill-of-rights/ 
• http://dearauthor.com/features/letters-of-opinion/why-is-there-so-much-slut-shaming-in-novels-written-by-women/
• Slut Shaming: http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/slut-shaming

Book Review: Plain Facts for Old and Young: Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life (Sex, Marriage & Society Series)

Book Review: 

Plain Facts for Old and Young: Natural History and Hygiene of Organic Life (Sex, Marriage & Society Series)  

Or in Lady Chatterley's words, Children of the Corn Flakes

A number of years ago, Lady Chatterley remembers reading about Dr. John Harvey Kellogg, the inventor of Corn Flakes, and how his religious zealotism discouraged sexual health to the point that he suggested castration and using acid to burn away genetalia. Recently she attended a workshop on Victorian sexuality through a local chapter of Romance Writer's of America and his name was referred to again. But to imagine where this zealot came from, imagine the era:

At the end of the 1800's, sexually transmitted diseases were life threatening and caused death.

Sexuality considered a sin punishable by eternal torment. (As if the STDs weren't enough.)

Masturbation was thought to cause blindness, mental retardation and other maladies.

To those obsessed with health and religion such as Kellogg, the words sexual health meant abstinence. And this abstinence had to be maintained by any means as these quotes from his books via Wikipedia explain.

In his Plain Facts for Old and Young, he wrote:

“

A remedy which is almost always successful in small boys is circumcision, especially when there is any degree of phimosis. The operation should be performed by a surgeon without administering an anesthetic, as the brief pain attending the operation will have a salutary effect upon the mind, especially if it be connected with the idea of punishment, as it may well be in some cases. The soreness which continues for several weeks interrupts the practice, and if it had not previously become too firmly fixed, it may be forgotten and not resumed.

”

and

“

a method of treatment [to prevent masturbation] ... and we have employed it with entire satisfaction. It consists in the application of one or more silver sutures in such a way as to prevent erection. The prepuce, or foreskin, is drawn forward over the glans, and the needle to which the wire is attached is passed through from one side to the other. After drawing the wire through, the ends are twisted together, and cut off close. It is now impossible for an erection to occur, and the slight irritation thus produced acts as a most powerful means of overcoming the disposition to resort to the practice

”

and

“

In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid (phenol) to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement.

”

In his Ladies' Guide in Health and Disease, to prevent masturbation, he suggested:

“	Cool sitz baths; the cool enema; a spare diet; the application of blisters and other irritants to the sensitive parts of the sexual organs, the removal of the clitoris and nymphae...

 These disturbing books are available on Amazon.com. Or if you really want to support Kellogg's legacy, all you need do is buy a box of Corn Flakes. 

How Do You Know it’s Time to Move?

You know it’s time to pack your trunks into the dirigible and move if. . . .

1. The feral neighborhood children are still playing outside at 11 pm on a school night.

2. The person in the flat next to you has decided she is going to be on British Idol and practices for hours each day . . . only she can’t carry a tune.

3. Your downstairs neighbor chain smokes so much that the fumes billow out of the steam powered generator, cracks in the walls, and from under the water closet.

4. Despite your incredible cleanliness and the amount of ant bait set out, the kitchen is experiencing the third invasion of ants in the last six months.

5. Your pot-smoking neighbor accuses you of calling the police on her. The police supposedly told her you were the one who complained . . . even though you weren’t home that night.

6. The landlord refuses to replace your new icebox because he insists it is works fine, even though everything has de-thawed and is room temperature.

7. One of your evil students sees you walking up to your apartment and now knows where you live.

8. You can hear your downstairs neighbor’s screamo band playing through the walls . . . even when you walk across the street to the rubbish bin.

9. The reason you moved into the shitty apartment, the washer and dryer in the apartment, no longer clean clothes.

10. The dirty, old man neighbor asks you on a date . . . to a strip club.
11. Your neighbors loudly having sex drowns out the sound of you having sex.

Comma Sutra, Literature Positions and Sexy Book Phrases

At Wordstock, a literary and writing event in Portland, Oregon, they featured romance and erotica this year due to the success and hype of "Fifty Shades of Grey." They gave away keepsake buttons with naughty book phrases. Below are Lady Chatterley's three favorites:

In case you can't read the ones below due to the glare, from top to bottom and left to right, they say:
Literary ecstacy
You drive me Wilde
Get Between the Sheets
Hold me like a first edition
Take off your dust jacket and stay awhile
Books satisfy my text life
Fill me like a blank page
I love a man who uses big words
Wanna Faulkner
Vonnegut laid tonight
Let's start a chapter

Though the "red chair" district where Wordstock featured x-rated publishers, books and Rose City Romance Writers along with a few other racy tables was small, they also had an impressively creative and funny gallery with Literature Positions which said:

Polygamy, Virgin, Missionary and Knocked up

A few more:
Flasher, cunnilingus, long and thick, doggy style, comma sutra

Close up of Lady Chatterley's favorite:

Lady Chatterley’s Top Ten Worst First Dates

1. The “gentleman” who twitched the entire time and probably was pinching snuff.

2. The one who arrived to tea at noon reeking of alcohol.

3. The country gentleman who arrived fifteen minutes late smelling of onion breath. (Because Lady Chatterley felt bad for him, she went on a second date in which he arrived an hour late because he had no carriage and was unable to instant telegram because he had no portable personal contraption).

4. The amateur writer who brought his writing even though she requested him not to, subjected her to reading it, and therein exposed himself to her infamous red pen.

5. The poet who brought his love poetry to their first courtship. Ahem, he also was the gentleman who twitched.

6. The man who admitted he cheated on his first wife because EVERYONE cheats, he claimed. (Alright, so Lady Chatterley of the novel isn’t exactly a stranger in that arena. Still, this was real life.)

7. The gentleman who admitted within the first ten minutes of conversation that his mother lost her job as a state nurse for seducing an inmate.

8. The man she couldn’t tell whether she had anything in common with because she did not speak Japanese. . . .He didn’t speak English.

9. The man who didn’t show up. And never returned her instant telegrams or post, or offered any explanation why he didn’t show up.

10. The knave who brought his friend along uninvited.

11. The geezer who lied about his age. He’d said he was in his forties when he was in reality fifty. Being a lawyer, he insisted he was within the realm of fact, as he’d made the claim when he was forty-nine—several weeks before.  (Yes, she should have spotted the silver roots against the black dyed hair but the dim candlelight of the ball where she’d met him had camouflaged wrinkles and gray hair until she met him again for tea.)

12. The man who lied and said he was divorced, but was only separated—and had been for a month.

13. The one who insisted on escorting Lady Chatterley to her carriage and tried to kiss her even though she’d warned him earlier she would not kiss a man on the first date.

Obviously, she had more than ten dreadful dates to speak of. Please feel free to leave your stories here.