Monday, October 22, 2012

How Do You Know it’s Time to Move?

You know it’s time to pack your trunks into the dirigible and move if. . . .

1. The feral neighborhood children are still playing outside at 11 pm on a school night.
2. The person in the flat next to you has decided she is going to be on British Idol and practices for hours each day . . . only she can’t carry a tune.
3. Your downstairs neighbor chain smokes so much that the fumes billow out of the steam powered generator, cracks in the walls, and from under the water closet.
4. Despite your incredible cleanliness and the amount of ant bait set out, the kitchen is experiencing the third invasion of ants in the last six months.
5. Your pot-smoking neighbor accuses you of calling the police on her. The police supposedly told her you were the one who complained . . . even though you weren’t home that night.
6. The landlord refuses to replace your new icebox because he insists it is works fine, even though everything has de-thawed and is room temperature.
7. One of your evil students sees you walking up to your apartment and now knows where you live.
8. You can hear your downstairs neighbor’s screamo band playing through the walls . . . even when you walk across the street to the rubbish bin.
9. The reason you moved into the shitty apartment, the washer and dryer in the apartment, no longer clean clothes.
10. The dirty, old man neighbor asks you on a date . . . to a strip club.
11. Your neighbors loudly having sex drowns out the sound of you having sex.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Comma Sutra, Literature Positions and Sexy Book Phrases

At Wordstock, a literary and writing event in Portland, Oregon, they featured romance and erotica this year due to the success and hype of "Fifty Shades of Grey." They gave away keepsake buttons with naughty book phrases. Below are Lady Chatterley's three favorites:

In case you can't read the ones below due to the glare, from top to bottom and left to right, they say:
Literary ecstacy
You drive me Wilde
Get Between the Sheets
Hold me like a first edition
Take off your dust jacket and stay awhile
Books satisfy my text life
Fill me like a blank page
I love a man who uses big words
Wanna Faulkner
Vonnegut laid tonight
Let's start a chapter

Though the "red chair" district where Wordstock featured x-rated publishers, books and Rose City Romance Writers along with a few other racy tables was small, they also had an impressively creative and funny gallery with Literature Positions which said:

Polygamy, Virgin, Missionary and Knocked up
A few more:
Flasher, cunnilingus, long and thick, doggy style, comma sutra

Close up of Lady Chatterley's favorite: